Something to Believe In

Yeah. Just finished reading WGWG by JG. @ 2am. Sleep is obsolete.

Rhyme.

Um, these are the rare moments where I get thrown headfirst into a twister (not tornado, because right now I have an image of Dorothy, Oz, and Kindergarteners in my head) and I see why people have religion.

Controversial moment time.

I don't honestly believe in religion. I'm not saying this to start a fight but it's true. It's an unseen thing that I can put myself behind. I get it. I get it. It's called "faith" for a reason. You have to give something without knowing you'll get something. I get it. Faith is taking the first step when you don't see the whole staircase. <---Quote from Martin Luther King Jr. (my childhood hero) according to a television commercial.

I'm a skeptic. There's no way I'm getting on a staircase where I have no idea if the whole thing's there. I'm not putting myself out there like that, no thank you. I can't believe in something invisible. There was more proof of Santa and The Tooth Fairy and look how that turned out. I take the Bible as an interpretation of how things COULD have happened and leave everything we don't know as it is. We can't say what happened or didn't. We were there. (<-- Motto for most of things in my life) So who are we to say what did or didn't? Prove your theories, people. And science, don't get me started on science. I've got a major problem with people arguing against religion with things that they only know because some people, once upon a long time ago, agreed to them. Which is what religion are.

Hello pot, hello kettle. Have you two met?

This is why I'm agnostic. I can't say what is or isn't true. I'm merely mortal and who are we mere mortals to say what history is? History is hisstory. He who fights to see the end, gets to write the books. I'm sure those in England see the American Revolution differently.

Not the point of this post really. I've just realized that while looking at my humidifier which really should have been emptied weeks ago.

The point is, this is one of those moments where I see why people need it. Why people need to believe in something. Why they need to feel that there's something more after life for them, that there's something, someone, watching over them. It would be a nice thought, right. Someone higher, pulling strings so you don't feel guilty. It's like when your parents are there saying that they'll know everything and that some how keeps you out of trouble.

This is a moment where I wish I had something to believe, to blindly trust fall into. Something to turn to, to have define you. But then, whenever I consider "finding faith", I'm reminded that it's like trying to believe in Santa again. It's a lie to me. And it's not fair to those who believe unconditionally.

So yeah. Sometimes, I wish I had something a little like religion on my side.

Rebels & Regrets

Rebels with a cause
May not fall short of their plan
May not turn back

Rally all the rebels
Stand tall for your beliefs
Wave you flag
Speak your name
Belt it out

But be warned,
It may not be easy
The path is perilous
With many an obstacle

You have a cause
a reason
a method to the madness

and for that you stand

You fight, knowing you may die
Knowledge that you may lose
May cause moments of hesitation

But be warned
Those mere moments
of hesitation
May hinder your fight

So press straight on
Don't look back, want to go back

It is too late to go back
True rebels have made their stand
So radical, no time to changed minds

No regrets.
No cause for regrets

Rebels with a cause
have no cause for regret

What Cannot Be Defeated - An Emo Poem

How can that talkative girl
be a loner
How can that ray of light
be depressed

How can the cheer captain
be considering suicide

One does not know

A bundle of life on the outside
But immersed in darkness inside
You can't guess

The outgoing are shy
The peppy, suicidal
Head jock is bringing a gun to school tomorrow

Because there are only shadows
Where there is light
It follows you, melds to your life

Plagued by darkness
You work harder when you're
Mentally surround by death

You push harder, try harder
Run farther, go farther
But the more you go, the more you try to go
You're drained of your life

You begin the day in life
But return at the end to dark

Because when you're on the outside
Bathed by the high sun
Living in light,
There is still night

No light makes it inside
You think in darkness

No light makes it inside your chest
Your heart is swallowed in darkness

There is no light without the shadows
It cannot shine everywhere
It cannot defeat all
Night cannot be defeated

You are in the light...
... but you are sheltered by the dark

*Thoughts* and ~Feelings~

March 3, 2011

6.33 PM

Sorry it’s been so long. I just found this the other night.

Last summer, a close friend of mine moved away to Pennsylvania. It's almost on the other side of the country. Like, half a country away. Her birthday is Tuesday, the 8th and to celebrate, my friends and I am shipping her a care package as a gift with a CD of songs for her on it. We got the idea to record a few of the songs with a few of us singing it.

We've been planning it for 2 months. We've been practicing for 1. Saturday we were planning to record but tech difficulties. We were going to do it on Tuesday but dentist appointments, math team, and . Today, it was at either of my friend’s houses. But they're on the North Side and I'm pretty far. My mom said no to picking me up. Not driving me, because we would take the train but to picking me up. Because it's a school night.

My friend begged and begged and managed to get her parents to let her bring her camera to school to record. I usually stay till 4.30 on Thursdays anyway. I get off school at 2.25, them at 3.15. We practiced and managed to record 1 song. But, alas, come 4.30 and we had 2 (we knocked off the last one) to go. 

I called my mother and asked if I could stay till 5. She was already there, she always was already there. She's a person who enjoys getting places very early. She said no and told me to come out. But, I had been planning this for so long, it's my gift to my friend, it's my thing, and I'm the main voice on BOTH of the other tracks. 

So I ignored her.

Now, this is my mom. The same one that if I miss 1 assignment in school, I am banned from after school activities till this time next year. This is the psycho one (in my biased opinion). I knew that I would be in more than trouble by ignoring her. I knew I would lose something big. I knew what I was getting into.

But, for the reasons 2 paragraphs above, I did it regardless. In 20 minutes, we had both songs recorded. I was outside and bracing myself for whatever wind was gonna blow.

And blow, it did.

She blew up as soon as I was inside the car. I hate when she's mad and drives. She's not a good emotion-controller. She drives angry and I do not wish for me to die because she can't control her emotions like an adult. So she's yelling at me saying that I "disrespected her", I "don't get it yet", I "made the wrong choice", that maybe I should "go back to therapy. maybe i would 'get it' then". She says you can't trust me because of that. And that my friends would never to that to their parents.

I find it funny that she thinks she knows my friends. She's never talked to them, never got to know them. How is she to know what they or would not do? She got mad and threatened to hit me when I "yelled" at her (it wasn't yelling. It just wasn't meek me talking) after she accused my friends of making me do that, telling me to do that, goading me. Hell no. That was the first and only time my voice broke. I love my friends to death and hold them higher than my parents, I'll admit.

What do I owe my parents? What have I done that they are not supposed to do? They are their own choices. Do I owe them because she gave birth? No. Not in my opinion. She chose to do it. Blood may be thicker than water but you can get a blood transplant from anyone. Besides, apparently your family will never leave you. They can't. They have to love you. But I don't want to be with people who love me because they have to. My friends take me as I am because they want me as I am. No one is forcing them.

What else is funny is that she usually says not to be like my friends, that I go along with the crowd. That yadda yadda yadda. But this time, she wants me to. They can't pick and choose. I am not Burger King. You can't have me your way.

So I lost my iPod, which I use for music, general entertainment, and as a sleep machine seeing that I live in the city and it's so noisy I can't sleep. I lost that for a undefined amount of time, a library date with a friend this weekend, and my chance to go to a screening of a movie on Tuesday. I got the free tickets from school and was planning to go with 2 friends.

Originally, it was just going to be the library. But, apparently, because I had said earlier in the mostly one-sided conversation, that I had made a commitment and was going to uphold it (she called a commitment to my friends stupid and meaningless compared to the word of my mother [what, is her word law?]) she took the other two away.

Seriously, it went like this, "For this, no library on Saturday. Now you're lucky. I almost took away the iPod and Tuesday. Matter of fact, I am taking them away for you saying you didn't want to disappoint your friends [I never said that. I said I had a commitment. But can I tell her that? No.]" 

And, apparently, she almost drove off without me. She said I had better had money on me to get home on the train because I would have to find my own way home. And that's what will happen if I try that again. Very caring mother, very. Specially seeing as I'm not allowed to take the train by myself so I have only the slightest idea about how to. I would need at least 2 separate trains. And I don't live in the best of neighborhoods.

No regrets. I have to tell myself that. No regrets. Because I would do it again if this day was rewound. I made my decision, it was a conscious one. And I knew I would have consequences and I accept them. 

And I think that's what made her the most angry. That I wasn't reduced to a melted mess.

People wonder about the relationship I have with my parents and how it's not a happy one. And this is why. I actually think and I do it differently so all of my actions are misinterpreted. But I've stopped caring. Because I chose my decisions and I accept that.

She’s repetitive, my mom. She basically had 4 points that she cycles through again and again. Repetition only helps memorization. When it’s coming from a person, you’re more likely to block it out than listen. Because humans love routine, but hate forced repetition.

I am not easily scared or easily controlled. It would be smart for people to remember that.

That Girl - Poem!

I'm that girl
Don't you remember me?
I'm that girl.

The one you bumped into
Just the other day
You didn't get a good look at her face
Too busy trying to make that movie
(Was your ice coffee worth the rush?)

I'm the girl
The one you don't notice
I don't blend into the background
I just don't stick out

I'm the one
Who made you laugh that one time
Not too hard
For you would have retold the story to your friends
And not with a brilliant joke.
You would have retold that too.

Just an innocent enough
Forgettable enough
Plain old chuckle.
(Do you finally get it?)

I am average.
Maybe slightly above
You wouldn't know
You don't even know the color of my eyes.

Even though we spent minutes
That felt like hours
Together in an elevator
Just staring at each other

Would you notice
If I bumped into you again?
If our paths were called upon
To 'X' once more?

Would you realize
That the girl who just walked past
Is someone you saw
Met
Laughed with before?

I am that girl
Who passes unnoticed,
Noticing everything that passes.

The girl of no importance.
A fading faint memory,
With a dreamlike difficulty of remembering.

Slipping through
The fingers of your mind
Like trying to grasp
Sun-kissed, sun-dried sand.

I am the girl
The one that no one cares about
That no one knows
That no one remembers
That no one can place their greasy fingers on.

Showing myself for the most fleeting of moments.

Don't feel bad.
Well, if you must, you must.
It's okay.
While it really shouldn't be.

You're not alone
You're not the only one.
I pass by many people
I touch many lives.

But that's just fine.

Because I'm not alone.
I'm not the only one.
There's other girls
Who walk by too
(And boys, I guess)

So it's just fine.
And I'm not alone.

Go on, live your life
Keep on not paying attention
To the person that just passed by

Let that laugh
Slip out of your memory

Let that girl
Stay in the elevator

And sure,
You can leave that
Bumped-into girl
On the sidewalk,
In the dust
(You shouldn't, really)

Because, guess what?
We invisibles are okay too.