March 3, 2011
6.33 PM
Sorry it’s been so long. I just found this the other night.
Last summer, a close friend of mine moved away to Pennsylvania. It's almost on the other side of the country. Like, half a country away. Her birthday is Tuesday, the 8th and to celebrate, my friends and I am shipping her a care package as a gift with a CD of songs for her on it. We got the idea to record a few of the songs with a few of us singing it.
We've been planning it for 2 months. We've been practicing for 1. Saturday we were planning to record but tech difficulties. We were going to do it on Tuesday but dentist appointments, math team, and . Today, it was at either of my friend’s houses. But they're on the North Side and I'm pretty far. My mom said no to picking me up. Not driving me, because we would take the train but to picking me up. Because it's a school night.
My friend begged and begged and managed to get her parents to let her bring her camera to school to record. I usually stay till 4.30 on Thursdays anyway. I get off school at 2.25, them at 3.15. We practiced and managed to record 1 song. But, alas, come 4.30 and we had 2 (we knocked off the last one) to go.
I called my mother and asked if I could stay till 5. She was already there, she always was already there. She's a person who enjoys getting places very early. She said no and told me to come out. But, I had been planning this for so long, it's my gift to my friend, it's my thing, and I'm the main voice on BOTH of the other tracks.
So I ignored her.
Now, this is my mom. The same one that if I miss 1 assignment in school, I am banned from after school activities till this time next year. This is the psycho one (in my biased opinion). I knew that I would be in more than trouble by ignoring her. I knew I would lose something big. I knew what I was getting into.
But, for the reasons 2 paragraphs above, I did it regardless. In 20 minutes, we had both songs recorded. I was outside and bracing myself for whatever wind was gonna blow.
And blow, it did.
She blew up as soon as I was inside the car. I hate when she's mad and drives. She's not a good emotion-controller. She drives angry and I do not wish for me to die because she can't control her emotions like an adult. So she's yelling at me saying that I "disrespected her", I "don't get it yet", I "made the wrong choice", that maybe I should "go back to therapy. maybe i would 'get it' then". She says you can't trust me because of that. And that my friends would never to that to their parents.
I find it funny that she thinks she knows my friends. She's never talked to them, never got to know them. How is she to know what they or would not do? She got mad and threatened to hit me when I "yelled" at her (it wasn't yelling. It just wasn't meek me talking) after she accused my friends of making me do that, telling me to do that, goading me. Hell no. That was the first and only time my voice broke. I love my friends to death and hold them higher than my parents, I'll admit.
What do I owe my parents? What have I done that they are not supposed to do? They are their own choices. Do I owe them because she gave birth? No. Not in my opinion. She chose to do it. Blood may be thicker than water but you can get a blood transplant from anyone. Besides, apparently your family will never leave you. They can't. They have to love you. But I don't want to be with people who love me because they have to. My friends take me as I am because they want me as I am. No one is forcing them.
What else is funny is that she usually says not to be like my friends, that I go along with the crowd. That yadda yadda yadda. But this time, she wants me to. They can't pick and choose. I am not Burger King. You can't have me your way.
So I lost my iPod, which I use for music, general entertainment, and as a sleep machine seeing that I live in the city and it's so noisy I can't sleep. I lost that for a undefined amount of time, a library date with a friend this weekend, and my chance to go to a screening of a movie on Tuesday. I got the free tickets from school and was planning to go with 2 friends.
Originally, it was just going to be the library. But, apparently, because I had said earlier in the mostly one-sided conversation, that I had made a commitment and was going to uphold it (she called a commitment to my friends stupid and meaningless compared to the word of my mother [what, is her word law?]) she took the other two away.
Seriously, it went like this, "For this, no library on Saturday. Now you're lucky. I almost took away the iPod and Tuesday. Matter of fact, I am taking them away for you saying you didn't want to disappoint your friends [I never said that. I said I had a commitment. But can I tell her that? No.]"
And, apparently, she almost drove off without me. She said I had better had money on me to get home on the train because I would have to find my own way home. And that's what will happen if I try that again. Very caring mother, very. Specially seeing as I'm not allowed to take the train by myself so I have only the slightest idea about how to. I would need at least 2 separate trains. And I don't live in the best of neighborhoods.
No regrets. I have to tell myself that. No regrets. Because I would do it again if this day was rewound. I made my decision, it was a conscious one. And I knew I would have consequences and I accept them.
And I think that's what made her the most angry. That I wasn't reduced to a melted mess.
People wonder about the relationship I have with my parents and how it's not a happy one. And this is why. I actually think and I do it differently so all of my actions are misinterpreted. But I've stopped caring. Because I chose my decisions and I accept that.
She’s repetitive, my mom. She basically had 4 points that she cycles through again and again. Repetition only helps memorization. When it’s coming from a person, you’re more likely to block it out than listen. Because humans love routine, but hate forced repetition.
I am not easily scared or easily controlled. It would be smart for people to remember that.
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